“Why did you wanna go here again?” Trisha asked me as we strolled down Hyde Park.
I smiled to myself. This was our favorite place. Dan and I. We used to go here when we were still together. I know I’ve only spent a month with him before he decided to call the relationship off, but we’ve made good memories here.
We would walk down here, hands locked in each other, as the wind blows through my hair. And then every time he tucked a lose strand of my hair into my ear, he would lean in for a kiss on my cheeks. We would stay at the pavilion, sometimes ridiculously dance, ignoring the weird looks people were giving us. We would watch the sunset, my head on his shoulder and every time that the last sight of the sun descends into the horizon, he’d whisper I love you. I would smile to myself and say it back to him.
Those were the memories of us I’ve held on to. But I realized now, today being his wedding day, I should let those memories go. The same way I am telling myself to let him go.
“I want to let go,” I simply said.
“Let go? Are you breaking up with me?” Trisha asked jokingly.
I laughed. “No, silly.” I slapped her shoulder. “I meant, memories. Dan and I used to go here a lot. We’ve had a lot of memories here and I don’t know, I just felt like this is the last place I want to go before I return home.”
“Ahh, get it,” Trisha nodded. “So are you really ready to let go?”
Honestly, I don’t know. But coming here made me feel like I should. There’s no point in holding on to them anyway. He’s getting married today. Actually, in just exactly one hour. He’ll be standing at the altar, while looking happily at Lilia as she walks down the aisle in her beautiful wedding dress. He’ll be wearing a smile. The smile that got me falling over and over again. His eyes will light up when Lilia finally reach him. They will hold hands. They will say their vows. And they will live happily ever after. This was the kind of story I have hoped for us. And it’s happening to Dan. But he’s going to have it with someone else. So I should let him go. Let all his memories go. That’s the only way to accept that this is it for us. We just weren’t meant for second chances.
Trisha bumped my shoulders and brought me back to reality. “Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah. It just feels strange being here. You know, without him.”
“Get over it,” Trisha insisted. “Today’s his wedding day. There’s nothing we can do about that now.”
I nodded and put on a smile. Trisha’s right. No matter how much I wallow in sadness right now, nothing’s gonna change. He’s getting married and I should just start accepting that it’s over between us. The sooner I believe that, the closer I am to being okay.
I looked towards the horizon. Just a few more minutes. I wonder what he’s doing now. Probably, preparing for the best day of his life. I wish I could see him. See how he looks like in his tux, all dressed up for Lilia. I wonder if his nose itches. It does that when he’s nervous. I wanted to be there with him, on his special day. But the thing is, I don’t think I can put on a smile when he says I do to Lilia. Stabbing me in the heart will be so much better than watching him love someone else. Besides, the scars are still fresh. They’re closed but not yet healed. And if I go to his wedding, they might open up. I’m just tired of bleeding. I just want to be okay.
“Well,” I looked over to Trisha and smiled. “I’m letting it all go today.”
Trisha gave me a reassuring smile and nodded.
“I’ve had the best memories with you, Dan,” I whispered to the winds. I closed my eyes and said, “But I have to let you go.”
I felt the wind through my hair and slowly brushing on my cheeks. I still feel the load of my past with Dan, but somehow, saying it out loud, made the load a little lighter. Maybe, this will be better someday. While I was deep in thought, I heard a familiar voice from behind.
“I hope you don’t mean that,” it said. And every part of me froze. I know that voice anywhere. What is he doing here? He’s supposed to be getting ready for the new chapter in his life. I turned around and I saw him standing there. But he wasn’t in his tux. He was wearing jeans and a polo shirt. His hair was all over the place, messy, but extremely adorable. His hands were in his pockets and his eyes were looking directly at me. Sad, but for some weird reason, I realized I’ve seen that look before. That’s the same look in his eyes I see every time I’m with him.
“Dan, what are you doing here? Your wedding is in a few minutes.” I don’t know why I said that. It was the only thing I was thinking. His wedding. He’s getting married. He shouldn’t be here. But yet, here he is. Why was he here?
“I don’t want to marry Lilia,” Dan said without flinching. “I want you.”
And with that, I felt the whole world swirl. I felt like fainting. My lungs were tightening in my chest. And my heart, oh God, my heart. It’s about to explode. Dan walked towards me and cupped my shoulders. He moved in closer to me until our foreheads were touching. His eyes were closed. Like he’s savoring this moment. I’m breathing heavily now. I wanted to run away but my feet seemed to be glued to the ground. I can’t move.
“Please, listen,” his voice was pleading; his eyes still closed. It’s as if he’s trying to hold himself together and not cry. “I love you. I realized that when I saw you. When we were soaking under the rain. When we were enclosed in each other’s arms. I never wanted to let you go that day. I wanted you back. But the note you left made it clear that you’ve had enough. So when I saw how you reacted when we saw each other, I thought maybe you’ve changed your mind about how you felt about me.”
I moved out of his hold, finally having control of my body again. “What note?”
“You left me a note,” he said and pulled something out of his back pocket. He handed me a torn and crumple piece of paper. I opened it and saw two lines I know I have never written in my life.
Don’t go looking for me. I don’t want to see you anymore.
“I did not write that,” I handed him the piece of paper which was full of shit. “That’s not my handwriting.”
Trisha walked towards us. “Can I see it?” Dan gave her the paper. “Yup. That’s not Marlee’s handwriting, alright. But whose is it?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “But I think I have an idea.”