Posted in Personal

Hello there, married life.

Ever since I got a sense of the world, I have always wanted to be someone’s wife. I dreamed my wedding, white dress and all, and I have always wanted to take care of someone. To have someone with me for the rest of my life.

But I guess I have this fairytale idea all this time that I never really thought of the whole marriage thing. I have an idea because of all the romantic comedies I have seen. But the real thing? I had absolutely no idea.

I have always dreamed of getting proposed to with a shiny diamond ring. I’ve dreamed of wearing it over my wedding ring. And I’ve dreamed of having to live with someone and take care of him, under one roof. All these things, I have them. I have the rings and I will soon have a place with the love of my life. But this isn’t where it ends… this is where it all begins.

My mother and I would talk time to time about how it is to be married. You need to take care of everything. You need to pay for everything. From the bills up to the smallest of things like cooking oil. You can’t live luxuriously, unless of course you get paid 100,000 a month, which I don’t. Otherwise, you take it one day a time, manage your expenses, and still keep yourself sane.

Then you would have to take care of the household; something I have never done before. I’m the youngest and all this time, I have my mother to do the things for me. I would wake up and breakfast will be served right away. My room is cleaned and my bed is made every day. I don’t have to break a single sweat as long as my mother is around. But being married, being someone’s wife, is a different story.

You would have to wake up and prepare the food. After that, you would have to start preparing lunch. Then you need to get to work. After some time, it’s time to start preparing dinner. In between, you’d have other tasks like clean the house, wash the dishes and clothes,  and other small things to take care of the house.

You’d have to buy furniture and appliances. Pay the house and we have a car to manage as well. Manage the groceries and as previously mentioned, pay the bills. In short, let’s just say it’s a long list to things to lose money for.

I’m not entirely sure where this thing is going, but I guess it’s just me sharing my thoughts and realization about the married life. I was so excited for it; I was feeling so giddy about it. I still am but it’s joined by fear now. I realized that being married does not mean you will just spend your time with your significant other without having to worry about anything else. What I have known about it is nothing compared to what it actually is. I’m scared that I will keep making mistakes and not do well as a wife. I’m afraid to disappoint my husband. I fear that it’s going to be super hard and I won’t be able to take it.

But I’m already here. I already have a ring on my finger and the future is coming at me fast. There’s no turning back and I can’t ask for more time to learn how to be a wife and what to do when you’re married. I wanted this and I should face this headstrong.

It’s not going to be easy, and that is a fact. It’s going to have a lot of downs than ups in the beginning. It’s not going to be like my fairytale dream.

But it’s still what I want. It may not be how I pictured it but it’s what I can see now. And I’m ready for it. Scared yes, but ready.

I tell myself it’s going to be okay. Because I know it will be. Hard at first, but it’s going to get better. I just know and I trust it.

So if you’re out there feeling the same way as I am now, just hang in there. I may not know when or how it’s going to go, but it will go well. You got this. I got this.

Posted in Personal

Never-ending Battle

I have never been very open or vocal about my mental issues to anyone. I think I mention it in my posts by passing, but not really shedding a huge light on it. I sometimes share it with my eldest sister but nothing in details. My husband knows it but he’s not the type to dig deep. And even if he does, I’m not sure I can explain to him either.

I didn’t want to share much about it because I’m afraid of what people would say. I don’t want them to think I am crazy. That’s the usual reaction you will get here if you try to open up about your mental health. I’m still afraid.

So why I am writing about it now?

I don’t know either.

But maybe I just need to let things out. And somehow, my only companion right now is myself and these words I type.

I have anxiety.

I have talked to a psychologist twice. She told me how to deal with it using a rubber band on my wrist. I tried it for a few days. It didn’t help. I had to remove it. Every time I get my attacks, I will try to flick the rubber band but the pain doesn’t do me any good. I still can’t stop crying. I still can’t stop the attacks. I had to hurt myself more just to stop. I would sometimes slap myself so hard that I would get bruises on my arms. I would sometimes hit my head in the wall while saying ‘please stop’ to myself. It works, time to time. But sometimes, I also just get tired of crying and trying to catch my breath. So I calm down and just lay in bed.

There is no telling when my attacks happen. It could be a perfectly good day but then something happens at night or I just suddenly feel sad that everything else falls out of place and I lose sight of the good day. I get filled with sadness and despair that I can’t bring myself to find happiness in anything.

I want someone to understand but then again,  I really don’t know how to make them. I like playing with words but when it comes to explaining what happens to me, why all of a sudden things are not right, I’m speechless. I can’t seem to find the right words to tell someone what’s going on. It just happens.

And they can’t understand it when I say ‘it just happens’ or ‘I’m not in my best mood right now’. They will always want me to give the reason to their whys. Which I can’t. Because even I don’t know why. I ask myself the same question but I can’t give the answer. Something is just wrong, it just happens, and I can never say why.

Why I feel sad; why I can’t come up with a witty conversation; why I can’t crack a joke.

I try everyday to be happy; to show everyone around me that I am okay. Because the moment that I turn sad or my mood changes, they will look at me worryingly. And when I can’t tell them why, I can really feel they hate me. Or look so bothered since they don’t know what to do to help me. Or sometimes when it’s too much, they might just think it’s drama.

I wish it is.

But it’s not.

I wish they can all take a trip inside my head and see all the demons that hide there whenever I try to put on a happy self for them. I wish they hear all the voices in my head when I’m not fine. The voices that takes all of me to shut up whenever I’m having my attacks.

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone that’s why I rarely talk about this. Sure they know it, and they try to understand me as much as they can. But sometimes, I can also see their struggle to try and help me. Asking me what they can do to for me. And more often that not, I can’t tell them what. Because I don’t know either.

I cry for no reason and I hate myself for it. When I see the way they look at me, I hate myself more for being such a burden to them. I just want to be okay. I just want it to stop and never happen again. I don’t want to have these attacks. I don’t want to have this anxiety.

It’s never easy to battle this kind of thing; especially when you don’t know where to start.

Posted in Personal

I have told myself before that I will never fall for someone like him. But I guess love really does move in mysterious ways. And we really do fall for the people we least expected. 

Because here I am — after one year and two months with him — still completely and hopelessly in love with him like how I was the first time. 

Posted in Personal

Here’s to us

I can’t believe it’s been a year. Not because I felt like it happened so fast, but because I feel like it’s more than that.

A year. A year of happiness and laughs. A year of sudden fights and pathetic arguments. A year of video calling, phone calls, Skype messages, texts, chats. A year of sweetness, of non-stop I love you’s, kissing and heart emojis. A year of understanding, compromises, forgiveness, making up. A year of so many emotions. A year of tears, both from laughing and crying. A year of you and I. Such a wonderful year it was.

Cliché as it may sound but it feels like a lot has happened in just a year. And I wish I could share here all the amazing things that had happened to us but really, I’d like to keep them to myself — to us. The world doesn’t need to know, right? And yes, I am being selfish. I am always selfish when it comes to you.

I feel like there’s so many things I want to say. And there should be. It’s our first year anniversary. But once again, here I am at a loss for words. Once again, I cannot say the right things. When it comes to you, words are never enough. I can never truly express everything that I feel for you. I’m not making any excuses here. I really am speechless.

Then again, maybe I don’t need to say anything. Or I don’t need to say much. Maybe, all I have to do is look you in the eye and let my feelings flow through them. Look straight into my eyes and I will let you see my soul. You have my heart from the very start so you should know exactly how I feel. No need for words. No need for poems. No need for letters. No need for songs.

This isn’t going out the way I planned. I was thinking of a grand gesture but here I am typing the first thing that pops into my messy head; not even sure if I’m still making sense. I feel like I’m at a podium and there are hundreds of people staring back at me. I couldn’t speak, my heart is in my throat, and my stomach is in knots. Why do I have to feel like that? This is just an expression of what I feel for our first year anniversary. Yet somehow, when it comes to you, my heart is always racing.

My love, despite such a terrible attempt to give you something special, I hope you know the gist of it all. Despite the lack of coherence in my paragraphs or the lack of substance in my speech, know that I want this to be something special. Something that you can be proud of one day. Something that you can tell to our kids saying, “You know what, for our first year anniversary, you mother wrote such an amazing piece for me. I still remember every word by heart.” Or something to that effect. I don’t really have to say it or type it. You know it. You feel it. And I think that’s the most special thing I can ever give to you today and for the rest of our lives.

So to my best friend of two years, my boyfriend of one year, my fiancé of one month, and my love for the rest of my life — Happy One Year Anniversary! May this be just the beginning of so many more years of our lives together. You know the rest of what I will say. No more cheeky lines following from here.

Posted in Personal

4:35 AM Thoughts

There’s just always so many things running in my head lately. Thoughts that eat me up. Keeps me up at night. Makes me cry. Makes me want to scream. 

Anxiety. Depression. 

Maybe I am mentally ill. I am planning to schedule an appointment with a psychologist. I feel like there’s really something wrong with me. 

I don’t think no one can truly understand what’s inside me. And how much it is slowly eating me up. Little by little, killing me. 

I should stop it before it ruins my relationship. Before it ruins a lot of things. 

Anxiety. Depression. 

There’s just always so many things running in my head.