Posted in Personal

I have told myself before that I will never fall for someone like him. But I guess love really does move in mysterious ways. And we really do fall for the people we least expected. 

Because here I am — after one year and two months with him — still completely and hopelessly in love with him like how I was the first time. 

Posted in Personal

Here’s to us

I can’t believe it’s been a year. Not because I felt like it happened so fast, but because I feel like it’s more than that.

A year. A year of happiness and laughs. A year of sudden fights and pathetic arguments. A year of video calling, phone calls, Skype messages, texts, chats. A year of sweetness, of non-stop I love you’s, kissing and heart emojis. A year of understanding, compromises, forgiveness, making up. A year of so many emotions. A year of tears, both from laughing and crying. A year of you and I. Such a wonderful year it was.

Cliché as it may sound but it feels like a lot has happened in just a year. And I wish I could share here all the amazing things that had happened to us but really, I’d like to keep them to myself — to us. The world doesn’t need to know, right? And yes, I am being selfish. I am always selfish when it comes to you.

I feel like there’s so many things I want to say. And there should be. It’s our first year anniversary. But once again, here I am at a loss for words. Once again, I cannot say the right things. When it comes to you, words are never enough. I can never truly express everything that I feel for you. I’m not making any excuses here. I really am speechless.

Then again, maybe I don’t need to say anything. Or I don’t need to say much. Maybe, all I have to do is look you in the eye and let my feelings flow through them. Look straight into my eyes and I will let you see my soul. You have my heart from the very start so you should know exactly how I feel. No need for words. No need for poems. No need for letters. No need for songs.

This isn’t going out the way I planned. I was thinking of a grand gesture but here I am typing the first thing that pops into my messy head; not even sure if I’m still making sense. I feel like I’m at a podium and there are hundreds of people staring back at me. I couldn’t speak, my heart is in my throat, and my stomach is in knots. Why do I have to feel like that? This is just an expression of what I feel for our first year anniversary. Yet somehow, when it comes to you, my heart is always racing.

My love, despite such a terrible attempt to give you something special, I hope you know the gist of it all. Despite the lack of coherence in my paragraphs or the lack of substance in my speech, know that I want this to be something special. Something that you can be proud of one day. Something that you can tell to our kids saying, “You know what, for our first year anniversary, you mother wrote such an amazing piece for me. I still remember every word by heart.” Or something to that effect. I don’t really have to say it or type it. You know it. You feel it. And I think that’s the most special thing I can ever give to you today and for the rest of our lives.

So to my best friend of two years, my boyfriend of one year, my fiancé of one month, and my love for the rest of my life — Happy One Year Anniversary! May this be just the beginning of so many more years of our lives together. You know the rest of what I will say. No more cheeky lines following from here.

Posted in Personal

4:35 AM Thoughts

There’s just always so many things running in my head lately. Thoughts that eat me up. Keeps me up at night. Makes me cry. Makes me want to scream. 

Anxiety. Depression. 

Maybe I am mentally ill. I am planning to schedule an appointment with a psychologist. I feel like there’s really something wrong with me. 

I don’t think no one can truly understand what’s inside me. And how much it is slowly eating me up. Little by little, killing me. 

I should stop it before it ruins my relationship. Before it ruins a lot of things. 

Anxiety. Depression. 

There’s just always so many things running in my head. 

Posted in Personal

Diaries

I don’t know why I suddenly had the urge to read my old diaries tonight. It’s like something pushed me to open that box where I keep them and just go back to those memories I once put into writing — whether they are good or bad. But, for my diaries, most of my entries are bad.

I also did something before where I write a letter to my future self and then I will read that on the first day of the new year. Those letters made me tear up. I guess I’m still dramatic that way. It also made me think that maybe I should still write myself letters to read in the future. Sometimes, I make sense and have good insight.

I’ll see what happens. Maybe I’l write to myself or maybe I won’t. Right now, I just have all these feels after reading those memories. I had to write about it, as always.

Posted in Personal

Can’t sleep thoughts

When someone tells you that long distance relationships are hard, you better damn believe them. Because, let me tell you this, it sure as hell is!

Most of my relationships are long distance and I’ve always believe in the quote that says,

Distance means so little when someone means so much.

At one point, it is true. Because distance is just a number. And besides, with the technology we have today, there are millions of ways to feel close to the one you love despite the thousands of miles separating you physically. 

But then, there are times and moments that a Skype or FaceTime call can’t fix. Like when you fight, and he hangs up, there’s nothing else you can do unlike if you were together, you can hug it off perhaps. Or when you want to see him but you don’t have internet. I particularly hate those moments. They make the distance seem much worse than it already is. 

You’ve heard it a million times but let me just say it again, long distance relationships are HARD. 

But trust me on this though, if two people are willing to go through hell for love, then fuck the distance. It will all be worth it in the end when you finally get to be with each other.